picture of author as example of self-trust

3 Ways to Build Self-Trust

With all the external voices clamoring for our attention, it’s easy to get knocked off center. Our best recourse is to build self-trust. We can turn within, listen more deeply, and follow our own inner compass.

How can we trust ourselves amidst noise, burnout, and disillusionment? I’ve made a study and would like to offer three ways to build the kind of self-trust that’s unshakeable. In the comments, I’d love to hear yours.

Seek and Follow Inner Guidance

The best starting place is to actively seek inner guidance. No matter what our spiritual beliefs, the practice is the same—we ask a higher being, consciousness, or self for insight.

This simple act opens our heart and mind to receive answers that are right in front of us—the ones we haven’t seen simply because we’ve been closed.

A relaxed mind and heart receives messages. Inner silence allows us to hear. If even in the slight pause between thoughts, or the very first early morning minutes, we can find receptive quiet.

Sometimes guidance comes in a flash, in the split second that we’re presented with a decision. We know.

In early 2020, I attended a birthday party held in an entertainment center. The cake served was gluten free. I almost never eat cake, but this was a celebration! And it was my favorite flavor—chocolate with vanilla icing.

I ate a piece. I wanted another. My inner voice was clear that this wasn’t a good idea. But I ate it anyway. Turned out the increased sugar intake lowered my resistance to getting sick. Before Covid was publicly known, I got the virus. After that you can bet I became more committed to following my inner voice.

We build trust by proving to ourselves that we will honor and act upon the higher guidance. Even if our choice turns out to look like a mistake, at least we stayed true to ourselves.

Keep Agreements to Yourself

Most of us know how important it is to keep our word with others in both personal and professional relationships. Our word is our bond. When it comes to making agreements with ourselves, we can use the same principle to build or restore trust.

First, it’s important to take care when choosing our agreements. I could never commit to working out at the gym, for example. It’s not enjoyable, and I won’t keep to such a promise. However, I find pickleball a blast! I can keep my agreement to myself to exercise every week because I’m having so much fun with a wonderful group of players.

Any new habit takes time to ramp up. What will ensure that we can stay on course? Asking ourselves this question in advance means we’ll have a better chance of building self-trust. Yes, we mean what we say.

We can also be flexible and compassionate if life changes and we simply cannot follow through.  Self-trust is also build when we stop and take care of ourselves if that’s the right course of action.

Never Throw Yourself Under the Bus

When I was in a major life turning point, a dear friend said to me, No matter what, don’t turn against yourself. This is what I mean by throwing yourself under the bus.

We need to be our own champions, standing by ourselves no matter what anyone else says or does. That means we give ourselves permission to grow even if our mistakes are public ones.

Our commitment, presence, and confidence in ourselves to learn and grow are great ways to build self-trust. It’s like our higher self telling our human self, I’m here for you no matter what. I’ll never shame you for learning, even if it looks ugly.

This skill is essential when we’re challenged by other people’s opinions or judgments. If we want to please others too much, we’ll toss ourselves under the wheels. What if, in the face of criticism, we instead help ourselves stand tall with dignity and grace?

The Biggest Picture

We’re all here learning. We do the best we can. Building self-trust means we increasingly navigate daily life with more peace, harmony, and enjoyment.

And even when we can’t seem to trust ourselves, we can trust life. How? Those messages we’ve asked for from a higher being, consciousness, or self are still active even when we can’t hear fully. As long as our heart is true and our commitment is clear, life will help us find our way.

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Don’t Go Back—Go Forward!

Covid changed everything, one Millennial businesswoman told me this week. How do we not return to our old patterns? asked another. And what’s the new toolset? added a third. When I replied, you mean, don’t go back—go forward? the answer was a resounding yes! Here’s how that’s possible.

The Gift of Covid-19

If Covid changed your priorities, or awakened a dream in you, this is your call to move forward in a new way. For all the challenges a world pandemic brings, the opportunity is just as great.

Change leads to re-discovery of our deepest values, priorities, and dreams. Can we allow the rubble at our feet to disintegrate and welcome new building materials? If so, we can craft a tailor-made life that’s far better than the old.

A Tailor-Made Life

What are these new building materials? In working with hundreds of students and clients over years, I’ve identified three elements that make for an easier transition from old to new—commitment, pace, and disciplined practice. These elements, when they arise from within, not only provide a smooth transition, they actually reveal the new structure.

Let’s look at each one separately, so you can gauge where you’re at now, and find your next step.

#1: Commitment

Have you identified what matters most to you in your life? If not, commit to this as your first inquiry. But, if you know what’s on your short list, you’re ready to look at the level of commitment you’re willing to invest.

Now, Millennials having trouble with commitment is a popular judgment, even within members of their own generation. I don’t buy the stereotype. The Millennials I’ve worked with for decades as a teacher, director, and coach are very committed to their dreams. Every generation has its stars and its slackers.

The commitment question is simply what are you willing to give for what you want to get? Each of us has freedom to choose how much time, money, energy, and love we want to give to a project.

Dreams are the kind of projects that bring joy to even think about—a sure sign our hearts want to invest. Joy is the fuel of commitment. Start with joy and you’ll find out where you really stand.

#2: Pace

Once you know what you’re willing to give or not, you can align with a long-term view of how to manifest that dream. Short-term, full-throttle energy as a lifestyle always leads to burnout. That’s one of those don’t go back habits.

Our quality of life depends more on pace than nearly any other factor. Why? Most of us bought into a cultural illusion that faster is always better. Frantic striving to keep up a social media image, an overstuffed work schedule, and an out-of-balance personal to-do list only prove you’ve bought into someone else’s pace. And that robs you of your joy.

Faster is not always better. Life is a wave—sometimes fast, sometimes slow—that we can ride. We don’t need the anxious, panicked sprint anymore. That’s another one of those don’t go back habits.

Instead, discover your true, healthy pace—and trust it. Trust life to bring you what you need. Yes, you can learn how to cultivate trust.

#3 Disciplined Practices

The best definition of discipline I ever heard was from David Campbell, founder of Saks Fifth Avenue.  He said, discipline is remembering what you want.

Our daily, weekly, and monthly practices are where the rubber meets the road. To build a new structure, we must be willing to establish those practices that provide the stability and the grace for change.

What are your practices? What diet, exercise, work/life balance, relationships, hobbies, or spiritual explorations will support the new vision? Remember, even if you can’t yet see that vision, you can still engage the disciplines that will carry you through the transition time.

Joyful practices are easy. Every time I get in a kayak or on a bike, I feel joy. It’s exercise, but I’m not grinding at it. Sometimes when I do a vocal warm-up, though, I have to remember I want to get my singing voice back in shape.  For that result, I must put in technical work.

Don’t Go Back—Go Forward

Start by identifying what you want. If you only know what you don’t want, start by making a commitment to change. Then, explore! Let life show you something unexpected, and be willing to be happily surprised.

Once you catch the joy, let it fuel you. Choose your healthy pace. Set up disciplined practices to support a long-term view. 

If you need help in any step, reach out. So many great coaches, teachers, therapists, and mentors are committed to helping you do it your way. I’m one of many.

So, no excuses: don’t go back—go forward!

Photo by Armand Khoury on Unsplash

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