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The Real Power of Unsolicited Advice

by Emma Laurence

Have you ever doubted yourself based on someone else’s unsolicited advice? 

When I moved to Minneapolis, I considered getting a small dog for the first time in my life.  I’d always lived with cats.  But my heart—and even my husband—was open to the possibility. 

Since I’m a walker, I began interacting right away with neighborhood dogs out with their owners.  I got excited for the prospect of a new companion.

Then I happened to mention to a longtime acquaintance that I might get a small dog.  “Oh no!” he exclaimed, inches from my face. “You don’t want a dog in Minnesota!  You have to take them out in the freezing cold.  Minnesota is not a place to have a dog.  Believe me—get cats!” 

Wow.  The thing is, I thought I did want a dog.  Yet somehow his words stuck to me like Velcro.  I expect he was trying to be helpful, to spare me a negative experience. I responded differently. 

It actually took six months for me to see the ludicrousness of such a remark.  How could anyone know whether or not I want a dog? 

Now I had to address the anger and blame I felt, and forgive myself for allowing this strongly expressed opinion to influence me for so long.  But as I struggled to release this “helpful” advice, I rediscovered the truth.  

Yes, it’s a big step.  Yes, I’ll need to find a dog sitter on occasion.  Yes, it’s more responsibility—and yes, I’ll have to go out in the cold. 

But what about the love I’m missing?

Today I’m watching the blizzard outside, playing with the image of a small dog next to me on the couch.  I look out the window and think, I would go out there with my little friend.  I don’t mind the cold so much; I grew up in a similar climate.  I’m the rare one who prefers below zero temperatures to those in the 20’s—that clean, clear deep-cold air, the silence of frigid nights filled with stars.   

As long as I have a fireplace to return to, I’m good.

Many gifts appeared to outfit me for cold, including boots on sale proven effective to -25 degrees, handmade mittens from my surrogate mom, a second-hand Italian designer down coat (midi-length), and a fur hat brought back to me all the way from Russia.  I have silks and scarves, and I even got Christmas gifts of alpaca socks and a headscarf that covers my face. 

The comment tested my heart’s resolve.  As I re-explore canine companionship, I’m more aware of my commitment and more grateful for all gifts I’ve been given to prepare me for a new, exciting opportunity.

I may also be wiser the next time someone offers an opinion so emphatically.  I may keep silent about personal matters.  Or maybe I’ll catch myself giving unrequested advice—telling someone else what their reality is—and stop myself in time. 

3 Tips for Holiday Healing

by Emma Laurence

The emotional challenges that we face at this time of year fill my heart with compassion.  May these healing tips inspire a new viewpoint, breakthrough, or hopeful spirit as you address your own.

TIP #1:  Clear away the FOG:  Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Ever since I first heard of FOG, I’ve been more aware when that cloud enters my consciousness.  And I learn how to protect myself.

In Mary Carroll Moore’s book How to Master Change in Your Life, she cites an imaginative exercise called The Fear Room.  Here’s a brief version:

Picture looking into a dark room with fog so dense that you can’t see.  A truck arrives with workers who wheel a machine up to a hole in the outside wall, and they vacuum out the fog.  Now, as you enter the clean, clear space, air and light bound, as well as a pleasing sound and fragrance.  You can open five large window shades to flood the room with sunlight.

What remains when FOG is gone? 

For me, visualization often works miracles in shifting to playfulness, clarity and right action.  

TIP #2:  Missing someone is integrating their memory.

I first came across this intriguing idea in The Presence Process by Michael Brown. 

I observed what happened inside me when I missed someone, especially one who’d already passed on.  There was a physical tugging in my chest with an accompanying painful grief.  This could also be true with a person at a distance or a lost dream that never manifested.

I wondered, what would it be like to integrate a memory, person or dream into my heart fully?  Could I accept the gift—allowing its essence to become such a part of me that we would never be separate again? 

TIP #3:  Become entirely ready to let go of the past

Years ago, someone approached me at a spiritual seminar, shook me gently by the shoulders and said, “You have got to learn to let go!”

Ya think?  The comment felt supremely unhelpful because I already knew that about myself.  What I didn’t know was how to let go. 

Step 6 in any 12-step program addresses the concept of being entirely ready.  After admitting the nature of your wrongs and before humbly asking for your shortcomings to be removed, you prepare yourself for the detachment process.

This intermediate step of becoming entirely ready for anything enlightened me.  My question morphed into how do I prepare to let go?

When dealing with past trauma, I ask myself:  What would it feel like to be entirely ready to release the past for this present moment?

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If you have other tips to share, please comment below.  We can all benefit by learning from one another’s experiences, and I welcome your wisdom in this holiday season.

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash